Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:
S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)
N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of
People Who Hate Spam)
P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don’t Hate Spam)
P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle
S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who
Really Really Really Hate Spam)
P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It
Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)
And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource
DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,
I’m writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to
present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited
I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now
opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single,
The Spammish Inquisition!
And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our
WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?
You think YOU hate spam? You don’t even know what hate is!
I hate spam so much that I… well, just a LOT! That’s how much!
If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head
would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that?
Don’t think so.
I don’t mean to say that I don’t hate other things, too, like
pedophiles and Nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat
when I was seven.
But spam… hooboy!
SQUISH ‘EM LIKE BUGS!
I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing
cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that
tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed.
As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should
result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on,
as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that
might have been purchased with spam profits.
Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking
about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix,
I’ll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out
spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until
they promise to be good little Netizens again.
It’s for their own good.
Having looked at the Websites of some of the anti-spam
crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust
and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam.
Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems
like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so
as to focus on the true menace plaguing our cyber-society.
If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me
$99, and as a free gift I’ll send you a CD with the email
addresses of 40 million Netizens eagerly awaiting news of your
latest product or service.